No!

My darling d has started to enter the world of the (terrible) terrific twos! That is to say, she is starting to express herself and realize that not only does she have an opinion, but that it counts, darn it! I love it. I do! I am proud of her for being assertive enough to say "I don't want that!" or "I want that!" Of course that doesn't mean that I respond the way she wants every time, and of course I shouldn't. Eating candy all day long is not reasonable! Leaving her in a soaked diaper is not right! However if she really doesn't feel like getting dressed and we don't have to be anywhere, what is the harm in her staying in her jammies? And so forth. She feels the need to test her new-found "independence" in every situation. For example, dh and I tell her that we love her all the time. She has started to respond by saying, "You NOT love me!" Or, "I NOT a good girl!" These are good reminders that she is not rebelling about the subject of the conversation, necessarily, but because she needs to test her voice out in a variet of situations to see what the response would be. Of course I am human, as is dh, and there are times when the "NO!" fest can be trying. Again, this is part of the learning process for both of us. She learns that people have limits. And we are reminded of our limits, and of hers. I am reminded of something my former boss and dear friend Linda used to tell me (and others) when we'd get frustrated in trying to help an emotional and troubled adult with mental illness. She would say, "Don't ride the roller coaster." In other words, don't get caught up in the emotion of the situation, but step back and try to handle the situation from a calm place. I was given many an opportunity to practice this difficult but simple lesson, and I feel it helped prepare me for parenthood. We aren't born knowing our limits. We have to learn them, and to find them we must press and push and test. We all want them, but periodically we need to check to make sure they're still there, and if not, where they've moved to. As with everything in life, it comes down to balance. Dr. Phil says that the single most influential role model in a child's life is the same-sex parent. No pressure! haha. I wonder how one goes about nurturing a confidence and indepence in another that one doesn't have herself? Hm. But that's another thought stream for another day. A last thought on this subject that I've been thinking about a lot. I can easily see how parents start to steer in the wrong direction with their children at this age. A person who doesn't understand this stage from the perspective of the child is only going to see a rebellious, angry, difficult kid. And when the adult responds in a defensive way to the child, the will quickly learn that it takes a whole lot more strong emotion to have his/her needs/desires met, and that they will be met inconsistently. Couldn't this shape the very core of the child, and be a foundation for every relationship that child has in life? I would think so. They say that a need that is met is no longer a need. So I'm imagining all these adults out there with social/emotional/relationship issues, and wondering how their earliest relationships helped to shape them and their abilities to relate with others. And how some people adapt incredibly well considering the challenges they were faced with early on. And how on earth do you even start to unwind all that in an adult wishing to find a more comfortable way to live in the world? But I digress. When an arm is broken, you look at it, figure out how to best mend it, and do that. When a mind is broken, what do you do? How do you get to the core of the issue without starting from scratch? How far do you unwind the yarn ball before deciding that you simply have to work with what you've got? A person looking through broken glasses can only see things through the shattered glass. You can only expect that person to learn to make his way through life seeing things the way he does and making sense of things the way they look to him. An incredible challenge. I could go on for hours, but I've gotten off of my topic. I guess to steer back to my original thought, I feel an incredible sense of need to try to foster an environment where my daughter feels she can confidently test her boundaries, practice using her voice and finding an independent place in this world. And this truly challenges me to review my own way of seeing the world, to step back and not try too hard to make my way her way. To watch in awe while she discovers who she is.